1. At Christmas time, there truly is no “need to be afraid.” It’s best to reserve your fears for New Year’s Day, when a glitch of unknown origin in computers around the world will set the world back to the Bronze Age.
2. This Christmas time, Band Aid may want to seriously rethink its decision to “let in light and banish shade” for people living under the harsh and unforgiving Ethiopian sun.
3. When they’re in their “world of plenty” and “having fun”, “it’s hard” for Band Aid to “say a prayer for the other ones”. Praying = hard!
4. If the only water flowing tastes like the “bitter sting of tears”, it’s because your local authorities have chosen the world’s least efficient method of augmenting your water supply.
5. Although the only Christmas bells in Ethiopia are the “clanging chimes of doom”, it doesn’t mean they can’t belt out a mean, suicide-inducing “Jingle Bell Rock”.
6. It’s hard to argue with Bono when he commands you to “thank God” it’s the Ethiopians who are dying of hunger “instead of you” unless you are Ethopian or otherwise dying of hunger.
7. “There won’t be snow in Africa this Christmas time.” But thanks to cataclysmic global weather events, all of Africa will be under 100 feet of snow in 2030!
8. Because “nothing ever grows” and “no rain or rivers flow” in Africa, Disney ought to more accurately portray Tarzan and the Lion King as shuffling about in a howling desert of pain and death.
9. This Christmas time, if you truly feel the need to “raise your glass” to poor people dying “underneath that burning sun”, be sure to accompany your gesture with loud, maniacal laughter. (edf)
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